The Agreement

We came to the agreement in 2008.  The company where we worked offered an early retirement buyout.  This offer is used to entice employees, generally the long term ones, to leave employment.  It worked out that the buyout would be paid as a monthly sum equal to the monthly base pay.  If you were a 25 year or more employee, you would be paid for 18 months straight and not work.  I was a 30+ year employee.

At the same time our daughter was having a rough time in school. In fact this was going on for a long time. Like since kindergarten.  Her grades were down, she wasn’t getting what she needed in school.  I would be in various meetings with school teachers, or adminstrators but it wasn’t until I had her tested at Linda-Mood Bell when she was in the 4th grade that she received a diagnosis.  I could go into a whole lot of things about the school district and her doctors but I ‘ll do that another time. J her father and I discussed me leaving the company and we agreed it would be financially okay and I could be there to help our daughter. J said “we can do it” and “you took care of me for those years and I’ll take care of you.”. He also said “you don’t have anything to worry about, I’ll take care of you.”. And J would say, “don’t think I don’t know what you did for me.  I’ll take care of you. It’ll all work out.  You won’t have to worry”.  Do you know what I did those years? I paid the bills, paid for his clothes, his food, his water, his gas and electric, the telephone.  If he said “I feel like going on a vacation” I would make it happen and make sure he had a good time.

So I left the company.  And the first thing that happened? Well, Mr you-don’t-have-to-worry-about-a-thing didn’t bother to pay anything, nothing no support for our daughter-who was a minor still-at all for the entire time I was recieving wage continuation.  After 18 months I went on unemployment as the economy had collapsed and no one was hiring.  I was on unemployment for almost two years. That’s when J started contributing. I knew then I would have to sell my property.  I knew I wasn’t going to be able to afford it.   I was rehired by the company on a temp basis but it only lasted 4 months. Months later I was again rehired for a project in S.F. but we were laid off after 6 months because the company stalled the project.  All this while, our daughters grades came up.  Since I was able to be home with her and focus on her schooling with her, she started doing much better in school.  This was a blessing to my leaving the company.  Our daughter is now in her 3rd year of college.  I wanted to sell but I realized our daughter would need to have a stable home, such as it was, to focus on learning.  When we were all living together, we were living in my one bedroom apartment.  And that it what we all lived in from when J moved in with me in 1991, where our daughter lived from 1993, and J moved from in 2008. Shortly after I retired his father’s diagnosis turned bad and J went to live with his father in his father’s 3 bedroom house.  Our daughter and I live in a one bedroom apartment still to this day.

For 18 months after I retired, J paid nothing.  Mind you, our daughter was a minor then.  Almost two years of unemploment payments he started contributing. When I rehired, he paid nothing for 4 months. After I was laid off he started paying the bills. 2010 he started paying bills.  Which he stopped as I became employed. During this time, he’s screaming at me “who’s money did you think you were going to live off of” and “Paul says the same thing!” Paul’s his therapist supporting his ” life decisions” of course. And during this time I’ve also liquidated IRA’s in order to pay bills and support our daughter, which included her school money. It cost me penalties and income tax to do it.

When J’s father died at the end of 2008 and he took over the property.  Never mind that his father had always called it the [family name] compound.  Or that his father would say to me “one day this will all be yours”.  To this I would say to [his father], I’ve got what I need.  I thought the estate would be split up between the kids and Juan.  In fact we all thought that.  But J got it.  The whole thing.  He evidently had taken the trust papers to a lawyer.  J kept saying  he was ” owed” for all the years of “torment” from his father.  Funny, he said the same thing after his mother died.  That he was “owed” because she was “crazy”. Anyway he started spending a lot of the estate money to fix up the place.  He used alot of money fixing it, again because he felt he was “owed”.  He had said to me “He’s a problem and I’m going to take care of that problem”.

Our agreement went from “don’t worry I’ll take care of you”, to “let’s get you to your pension”, to “I said I would help you”, to “who’s money did you think you were going to live on”,  to “you think I owe you? You’ll be laughed out of court”,  to “I’m going another direction”.  All the while he’s cheating on me, visiting all kinds of dating websites, emailing women.

I used the money I was saving for our daughter’s higher education costs. And he tells “I planned it that way”.  Ain’t he nice? Financially devastates me and ruins his daughter’s future education financing. So for 17 years he gets supported. Financially, spiritually, mentally.  Oh yeah don’t forget he was hospitalized three times during those 17 years because he was going to kill himself.  This first time when our daughter was 4 months old.  I was there, stood by him to be his helpmate during his times of need and crisis. In goid times and in bad, right?

So now I’m having hard times. And what does he do?  Tells me he’s going in a “different direction”.  Do you think it’s fair?  Because it sure doesn’t feel like it.









One thought on “The Agreement

  1. I hope the writing helps as it can be very therapeutic. When you mentioned 17 years, I could not help but be reminded of my mother who was married 17 years with my father…she always supported us then and there after. What saddens me, although she remade her life with another man…but the bitterness always ate her up…my dad had narcissistic tendencies and that was something she nor I or anyone could ever change. I hope you find peace some day…you certainly deserve it…you are an amazing person and mom…your daughter is fortunate to have you in her life. Blessings

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