What abusers say: 15 early warning signs

This is what I wish I knew before spending 17 years with JCG.

Avalanche of the soul

Do you feel there’s something ‘not quite right’ about your new romance? Can’t put your finger on why? If so, you may have a budding abuser on your hands – and listening to what they say could prevent you from becoming their latest project. Here’s 15 early warning signs that are dangerous to ignore.

Photo by click Photo by click

15 Early WARNING signs

1. He rarely – if ever – calls you by your name. You answer to ‘babe’ or ‘darling’ (because you’re an object, rather than a person). My ex managed to insert this into virtually every sentence, especially when he was making excuses for bad behaviour. Or, this unreformed playground-bully has thought-up a witty but cutting nickname, perhaps referencing the size of your posterior, which you are expected to find as entertaining as he does.

2. He tells you his marriage broke down because his wife was abusive /…

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Invalidation-It’s a wonderful thing

Checking my reader yesterday and viewing the post on domestic abuse which happened to me, I made a comment agreeing with a previous poster.  Imagine when I saw the site owner send a message to the loser regarding my post.

She emailed him my post and he of course took that opportunity to deny deny deny.  Who knows what he told her but guess what SN, you say you don’t believe everything you read on the internet? Yet you believe everything the narcissistic psychopath tells you.  For your information, I lived with him for 17 years, all the abuse heaped on me, the gaslighting, the constant invalidation during our residence together and after.   I think I know what I’m talking about.

He and I have had many talks about the half truths, the made up scenarios, the outright lies he put up on his blog.  His response?” People are stupid. I can write whatever I want. If people want to believe it then that’s their choice.”

So take down my post SN, invalidate my experience.  Isn’t it easier just to blame the woman anyway?  You play right into his hands.  Or should I say his web.

Why do you hate women?

Fantastic response!

Avalanche of the soul

Here’s my blanket response to the depressingly self-righteous trolls that find their way to this site. I’m nearly as tired of repeating myself as I am fed up with reading their pointless comments. Domestic violence is a gendered issue: stop pretending it’s not.

A website dealing with domestic violence was certain to attract trolls. Their comments are unsurprising in their irrelevance, ignorance, and uniformity and typically look like this:

  • “Why is it always ‘he’ with you feminists?” Do you understand what feminism is?
  • Men are victims too! I never said they weren’t.
  • My girlfriend is convinced I’m abusive, thanks to sites like this. Have you considered the possibility that you actually are?

I usually allow their mini-tirades on the site because hey, I enjoy a laugh as much as anyone else. But I’m tired of repeating myself now. So, for the men getting all bent out of shape because I…

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I Had a Culture Column at WIRED. And Then I Didn’t.

So true.

monica byrne

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Photo: an illustration by Eric Battle and John Jennings from Nnedi Okorafor’s The Book of the Phoenix. 

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A month ago, with the Hugo fracas in full swing, an editor at Wired wrote me and said, “If you have something to say, you have the platform.” Given Wired’s enormous readership, what an incredible thing. I wrote the piece in an afternoon, they put it up, and it did well.

Shortly thereafter, the same editor said she and the Culture editor wanted me to write a column for them. Which was even more thrilling. And given that my op-ed had been about systemic bias in favor of white men in literature, I thought they knew exactly what they were getting with me: a commitment to changing the conversation around what’s considered newsworthy art. I wrote to the editor, “Boyhood or the new Avengers movie? I could give a shit. A Girl Walks Home Alone at…

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Karmic yogi? I don’t think so…

What can be said about someone who claims divine intercedence in their life, someone who claims to have achieved inner peace via a stream that Eckart Tolle describes but harms the family around him?  Can a sane person believe that a divine hand guides his life all the while that same person plan the financial ruin of the woman he lived with for 17 years?  Does a sane man/father ruin his daughter’s higher education aspirations?  Is that what a man does?

The reader is seduced by the spiritual references.  Inner peace, cosmic conciousness, yes even this too shall pass.  We are told that saying certain words will negate everything.  It sounds like a soul so incredibly wonderfully in touch with himself and the universal consciousness.  His faith, he claims, is what got him to his new found serenity.  What he doesn’t say is the backs he has stood on to get there.  He doesn’t reveal the demands he made of the family around him to fund him, serve him, most of fill the hole inside of him.  It didn’t matter how much was poured in.  It was never enough.  He doesn’t reveal the fear he lived most of his life in.  “Don’t panic, stay calm” I would say to him frequently as he would be sunk down in a chair wringing his hands despairing over some thing.  And if you scratched the surface, he would start raging.  I thought we were leading our family together, but when I turned around, no one was with me.  I was alone in a relationship with someone that I felt I was waiting to wake up, or dial in or get conscious.   He wouldn’t defend the woman he “loved” nor his kids. Our daughter had trouble in school with kids bullying her up to and including having an ipod stolen from her.  We had a meeting set with the school district.  The day of the meeting, he tells me “they’re calling us in early for overtime.  You can handle this.”.   And he went to work.  “We need the money “he says.  Y’know frankly, a united front would have been a lot better for that 1 hour meeting.  I’ve had years of dealing with management types as the elected officer in our local Union.  I’ve been a steward (appointed by the Local President) for years, Recording-Secretary, Secretary-Treasurer, and Local President.  Elected positions where you must go meet people, listen to them, lead them, defend them.  I’ve written many arguements defending a member and/or a position.  I’ve negotiated contracts with the CEO for a unit that we represented.  All this while doing the same job JCG was doing, Services Technician.  So yea, I can handle it.  But seeing the reaction on the face on the District Administrator to the news he wouldn’t be in the meeting for his daughter at the meeting about his daughter….but she’d seen it many times before. The mother is there but the father is not.

Even last week, we were subjected to the same negative assault,  “I hate people”, and ” people are so stupid”.  Glorious display of enlightenment for someone that yes even this too shall pass.

And now what is he doing? Well he went flying off to be with Jen.  When his daughter texted him Dec 31 where was he, he texted back telling her that he flew off to be with Jen, that she left drug rehab and attempted suicide and he had to be with her. On new years eve.

Is this what a person who has achieved inner peace does?  Is this what a karmic yogi does? More importantly, is this what a father says to his daughter? And why?

Pardon me if Jcg, doesn’t impress me with his “spiritual awakening”.

His bs has hit an all new height.  Or rather a new low.

Anyone have a good attorney they want to refer?